Hey, you ... yeah YOU ... Why are you smiling?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who expect good things to happen and those who are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Those who expect good things to happen are generally the people that look too damn happy for their own good. The ones that undertakers cringe to work on because it is so hard to make them look solemn and peaceful. You know these people, they make you uncomfortable because you think they know something you don't; they make you just a little bit irked because they have the secret of being happy while you stew in your anger and misery.
Then there are those who know that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If they get a raise, it is because their phone bill is going to go up. If they get an extra couple dollars change, it is because they can't find that $20 they thought was in their pocket. Everything good happens to offset something bad and vice versa.
I was, for the longest time, in the second group. It just seemed logical to me that maybe these people who were always happy just weren't playing with a full deck. How else could you explain how they walked around, oblivious to the fact that everyone else was obviously miserable? When something happened, I waited for the pendulum swing to the other side. This was true about three months ago when Tom moved out. I waited for the pendulum to come back over and let something really good happen ... it never did. Two months, a couple ok weekends and a lot of fights later, we decided that maybe we needed to chill out and go our seperate ways. We are trying the 'Let's be friends' deal, just like so many before us, and so far I think we are doing really well.
This isn't the reason for this rant, though. After six years of being with Tom, I was rather surprisingly mature about the whole thing. I mourned for exactly two days before deciding that, "Hey, I am 25 years old! This isn't the end of the world. I am not going to be the silly little kid I was a while ago. I am going to go out and make my own life happen, becuase I am ready for it." For the first time in my life, I felt like an adult. I wasn't crying into my Cheerio's because I felt that the world had wronged me. At first, I was just dazed by this non-misery, wondering why I wasn't looking for a clocktower. When I realized that it was because I was just accepting it, learning from it, and growing as a person, I freaked.
No! This wasn't happening to me! I couldn't be a grown-up yet! I was still going thru my 'Quarter of a Century Old Midlife Crisis'(tm), I wasn't ready yet to be responsible and adult-y! Where had my inability to cope gone? Hrm ...
Then I started re-finding my religious base, something that I had been neglecting except for the most rudimentary things (like breathing). I remembered that I believed in that there are no coincidences, everything happens for a reason and it is only up to me to find that reason and fulfill what has been planned for me. This helped me a great deal in realizing that "Well, if there are no coincidences, there is a plan that I will never be privvy to ... that means that I am important in the Big Scheme Of Things".
This was very big for me ... it had been a long time since I had felt that I was an essential part of anything spiritually. If something was planning for me, this meant I was a worthwhile individual ... special. I have a good idea of what the plan is, I have an even better idea of my part of the plan and I am content and confident. This plan is easy! I get to be vulnerable, I get to be myself, I am allowed to profusely care! No holds-barred Lisa, more Lisa then you can shake a stick at, just one calorie - not Lisa enough!
Maybe I'll tell you about the plan at some point ... but for now, I am allowing myself a very selfish moment. This plan is for me and I am going to hold it close to me until it is too big for me to contain any longer ...