Can It Be Fixed?
Is there a way to fix being stupid and prideful? Are there words that can make people understand why you did something? Can a mistake truly be rectified? God, I hope so.
I don't know how it happened, I don't know why it happened, I truly wish it hadn't happened ... but it did. I made a mistake. In an attempt to get over Tom as quickly as possible, I started dating right away. I hadn't meant for it to get serious, but I have the tendency to get sucked into any kind of emotion. I admit it, I am a sucker if someone seems to or says they care about me. I stop looking at what is best for me because I so desperately need that acceptance and affection. I knew then that I shouldn't get involved with anyone, but I didn't listen to my good judgement. I let myself get whirled away, I let everything happen too fast. I think it was partly my shock that someone found me attractive, but in honesty, there really is no excuse. My actions hurt someone very dear to me, and also gave another an impression that I wasn't meaning to give.
I have no excuse for letting it happen. I shouldn't have, I should have known better, not been so damn eager to do what I thought I was supposed to, but instead done what I knew was right. Now I am stuck. I have one man who I am deeply in love with and one man who thinks he is (or even may be) in love with me. What do I do now? I don't want to hurt Joel, even though I know I have to. I never meant to hurt anyone, but of course, I am very emotionally immature and so don't always think properly. There is no easy way to do this, but damn it, there should be.
On the other hand, I have Tom. Who I never should have let go in the first place. Yes, we had problems, but thinking back on them without actually being involved in them anymore, our problems weren't all that bad. Yes, we had made some Uber-Bad decisions, we had our peeves about each other, but who doesn't? My problem here? How do I tell him that? How do I tell him and make him understand why I acted as I did? Is there any way that I can explain it in such a way that he will forgive me? Do I have the ability to express myself that way? God, I hope so.
I know you probably aren't reading this, but if you are Tom ...
I love you. I miss you. There is nothing I can say that could sufficiently express how I feel right now ... all I can say is, I hope you can forgive me.