September 1, 2003 :
Ow! My nipple got stuck in the drawer!
- Terry Brackin

August 25, 2003 :
Windows has so many holes in it, I wouldn't use it if it were a condom!
- Scott M. Campbell

July 20, 2003 :
You don't talk about my penis? Is it that inadequete? I thought it was quite spectacular!
- Jamie Niles

July 13, 2003 :
There are a few cast members that I wouldn't take the time to cut their break line, I'd just shoot them.
- Lisa Martin

July 13, 2003 :
You can't live with a masculine haircut for a year and be ready to have a penis, I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way.
- Faith Schiller

July 4, 2003 :
Tape has to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me!
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

July 4, 2003 :
Nobody ever accused him of being the brightest brick in the birdhouse.
- Tom Williamson

July 2, 2003 :
I am as tired as a new bride's ass!
- Chris Benish

July 1, 2003 :
Why? What have you done with a cheese sandwich that I've never tried?!
- Eileen Martin

June 15, 2003 :
I'm going to go get Tom some smokes, give some head, go home and watch porn. See you later!
- Lisa Martin

June 15, 2003 :
Fucking a horse is one thing, giving a horse oral is something totally different.
- Lisa Martin

June 8, 2003 :
If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I gave it to.
- Bernard Foigt

June 7, 2003 :
So when's the next party? I'll bring a big one.
- Adam Gollinger

June 7, 2003 :
I swear I'll shove this so far up my ass you'll need a miner's hat and a pickaxe to find it!
- Lisa Martin

June 7, 2003 :
I'm gonna go out and get plastered tonight and probably end up rolling on the floor going, "Wee!"
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

June 7, 2003 :
I can't get birthday spankings! I'm too delicate for Brian's Fist of Fury!
- Lisa Martin

What about the Knee of Extreme Torture? The Foot of Incredible Pain? The Head-butt of What the Fuck was That?
- Jamie Niles

June 5, 2003 :
Her nails are lengthy and her mood is short.
- Rosi Rogers

June 4, 2003 :
But that was the other day and Jamie laid into her good last night!
- Adam Gollinger

June 3, 2003 :
Juan'll toss a salad faster than Emeril Lagasse!
- Bernard Foigt

June 3, 2003 :
I'm not full of shit. I make sure to clean very well.
- Juan Rubio

June 3, 2003 :
I'm so horny the crack of dawn looks good.
- Bernard Foigt

June 2, 2003 :
I don't want you to toss my salad, I want you to eat my salad!
- Lisa Martin

June 1, 2003 :
Now where did I stick that thing? Oh, duh! Where else was I supposed to stick it?
- Lisa Martin

June 1, 2003 :
Stop it! You're ruining the bad porn for me!
- Faith Schiller

May 31, 2003 :
The problem with Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies is that they taste like buttered popcorn, but they don't feel like buttered popcorn.
- Chris Alvarez

May 29, 2003 :
I want a divorce. You can keep the cats and the babies, I'll keep the house.
- Juan Rubio

May 27, 2003 :
At least it's natural caffine, instead of caffinated caffine.
- Lisa Martin

May 26, 2003 :
So how long does this lukewarm lesbian action go on for?
- Tom Williamson

May 24, 2003 :
It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
- Cheers

May 23, 2003 :
I have cash from when I did have money, but I don't actually have money now.
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

May 17, 2003 :
I just want to make sure to get this straight, lest I think Tom strange ... Scott-like even.
- Jamie Niles

May 12, 2003 :
I'm sorry that my bodily functions don't meet to your satisfaction.
- Lisa Martin

May 8, 2003 :
I am due for a good piece of ass.
- Dawn Ulibarri

May 8, 2003 :
Pregnant people tend to be repeat offenders.
- Faith Schiller

May 5, 2003 :
I'm sweating like a virgin at a prison rodeo!
- Chris Benish

May 4, 2003 :
After dating Sam and making out with Ed, I've had all the nippular pain I can stand.
- Faith Schiller

April 27, 2003 :
I'm going to have to live with the shame of the fact that I gave you three orgasms. Oh, woe is me!
- Jamie Niles

April 26, 2003 :
You're gonna dick-feed me a Frosty?
- Faith Schiller

April 25, 2003 :
I tried to suck it down but it was too thick.
- Bernard Foigt

April 24, 2003 :
Dear Mom, I had the best burger yesterday! It was succulent and juicy!
- Teresa Dwyer

April 23, 2003 :
You call them back and ask to talk to a different jackass this time.
- Elaine Coxe

April 20, 2003 :
I was trying to f-ck and wake up at the same time.
- Jamie Niles

April 18, 2003 :
Tom is too indifferent to be a psycho. Psychos are damn dedicated!
- Faith Schiller

April 14, 2003 :
Some people are like Slinkies, they're not really good for anything, but they make you smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Teresa Dwyer

April 8, 2003 :
You need to let things go in one ear and out the other, that's why God gave us two of them.
- Elaine Coxe

April 4, 2003 :
When did I stop using the $2 hookers?
- Bernard Foigt

April 2, 2003 :
This cocksuckers' gonna get me arrested.
- Skulls MacGuyver

April 1, 2003 :
Don't be fooled by meatloaf. You'd think it's meat, but it's loaf!
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

March 27, 2003 :
Why is not my shit printing?!
- Rob Meli

I know not, Yoda!
- Lisa Martin

January 14, 2003 :
Out of the mouths of babes and retards ...
- Eileen Martin

November 13, 2002 :
I just looked in the mirror and scared the shit outta myself with my Super Sam I Am/Dragonball Z hair.
- Joel Oppenheimer

November 11, 2002 :
Tomato snot is not fatal to Rome.
- Rome Eselin

November 5, 2002 :
It's been nice working with you!
- J Provencal

November 1, 2002 :
I'd cry over spilled milk! I mean dammit that shit's expensive!
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

October 23, 2002 :
BECAUSE YOU'RE A CAN-CER! You're big ball of needy crying dumbass when it comes to ex's.
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

October 19, 2002 :
You pull your hair back to suck a dick but you don't pull it back to yak?!
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

October 16, 2002 :
You red-tittied bandit promise-breaking whore! See if I go down on Sundays for you anymore.
- Jamie Niles

October 15, 2002 :
Love is knowing that the person you are with has numerous moods, personalities and dispositions ... and not being worried, because you love them all.
- Lisa Martin

October 13, 2002 :
Women should be obscene, not heard.
- Groucho Marx

October 12, 2002 :
The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity.
- Richard M. Nixon

October 11, 2002 :
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips

October 9, 2002 :
Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
- Robert Frost

October 6, 2002 :
Would anyone else have chased you around a store with a vibrating toothbrush? Nooooooo!
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

October 5, 2002 :
I know I look at crocodile dung and the first thing that jumps into my mind is vaginal suppository!
- Joel Oppenheimer

October 4, 2002 :
I'm a Can-cer!
- Lisa Martin

So?! That doesn't mean that you're a Dumb-Ass!
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

October 3, 2002 :
When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.
- Richard Burton

October 1, 2002 :
Sliced bread is pretty nifty, but I want to know what the epitome of awesome invention was prior to that paradigm of baking genius.
- Lisa Martin

September 23, 2002 :
I used to be a good child, now I'm just a bad adult.
- Lisa Martin

September 22, 2002 :
Having someone to love, to hold, to care for you and take care of, to support and be supported by, to fall asleep and awaken in their arms ... to not have these things? This is tragedy. To not have these things, not care and even avoid all risk of having these things come into your life? This is insanity.
- Lisa Martin

September 21, 2002 :
In Florida, we are lucky to have palm trees to make our Sukka, know what they use in Brooklyn? WOOD! Plywood with locks on it! And they put it on the roof so no one can break into them!
- Rabbi Jeff (see Temple Beth-El Shalom)

September 19, 2002 :
Your hair is looking good! Is that love or just a really good conditioner?
- Eniris Delgado

September 19, 2002 :
I'm very into bright red peckers right now.
- Amanda Petrucci

September 16, 2002 :
If you'll excuse me, I need to poke out my mind's eye.
- Kelsey Grammar, Frasier

September 13, 2002 :
My kids were the only ones who, when learning the alphabet, thought that A-B-C was followed by L-I-Q-U-O-R-S.
- Harriet

September 11, 2002 :
I am more into people watching than people interacting.
- Lisa Martin

September 7, 2002 :
I would think the more you suck, the more chapped your lips get.
- Jannie Gunnlaugsson

August 31, 2002 :
Testes, testes ... one, two, three, four?, five?!, SIX?!?!?! Oh wait, that's a carton of eggs. How'd that get down there?!
- Rome Eselin

August 30, 2002 :
Cheerful was such an 80's thing ... I'm a child of the 90's.
- Rome Eselin

August 28, 2002 :
Trying to fix or change something only guarantees and perpetuates it's existence.
- Lisa Martin

August 26, 2002 :
Anything you are willing to die for becomes so much more precious when you want to live for it.
- Lisa Martin

August 22, 2002 :
If I see standing water, I carry a Xerox employee so I won't get electrocuted. They have so many, they won't miss one!
- Morgan, security in my building

August 21, 2002 :
No, I think I would prefer to have my flesh burned off my body with a low heat blowtorch and then be forced to lick my own bone marrow, thanks for asking.
- Lisa Martin

August 20, 2002 :
You dirty Chicken Cordon Bleu teasing whore!
- Jamie Niles

August 16, 2002 :
I believe I've seen RHPS three times in the theatre, twice with audience participation. I enjoyed it very much, but I didn't dress up, and I don't feel strongly compelled to go again - been there.
- "Weird Al" Yankovich

August 13, 2002 :
I try to be witty and fun, in an angst-y kind of way.
- Lisa Martin

August 6, 2002 :
I like my women like I like my milk: white, creamy, and partly homo.
- Uberpaki

August 1, 2002 :
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who can understand binary, and those who can't.
- Violently-Happy.net

July 31, 2002 :
People will go on about Elves and how they're always doing their nails and brushing their long, blonde hair, and being all prissy. And I just say, "Well, at least I'm going to live forever! Got that? LIVE FOREVER!"
- Orlando Bloom, Legolas

July 30, 2002 :
Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
- Lord of the Rings

July 29, 2002 :
I find I am a lot happier now that I have given up all hope.
- Unknown

July 27, 2002 :
I have never been very good at decisions, every one I have ever tried has back-fired on me.
- Lisa Martin

July 25, 2002 :
I will NEVER let an attack, however lame, go unresponded to. It is essential that one stand up for themself and what they believe in.
- Brian Dare

July 23, 2002 :
Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change ...
- The Marquis de Sade

July 20, 2002 :
I am a useless monkey, because I am useless ... and chimp-like.
- Ed Schneider

July 15, 2002 :
It cost $150 to get my ignition fixed. The guy knocked off $25 because I gave him a Pepsi.
- Tom Williamson

July 11, 2002 :
The great religions have destroyed something essential about humanity, which is the fact that we belong to the earth. I wish I knew more about pagan traditions, because I suspect I would like to sign up.
- Sir Ian McKellen

July 8, 2002 :
What we need is a double helping of 'No Clothes' with a side order of 'Let's Get it On'!
- Unknown

July 5, 2002 :
Hey, she's got handlebars! I've got nothing against handlebars, and she sure ain't no duck!
- Rome Eselin

July 5, 2002 :
That's whats been missing from my life! I need some hot lesbian lovin'!
- Rome Eselin

July 2, 2002 :
It's one of those things where, if you need the monkey and the string and the glue to make sex interesting, it's time to stop. You need to give it up until missionary suddenly sounds like a great idea.
- Sam Haber

July 1, 2002 :
That was long and drawn out, like a conversational root canal of back-stepping.
- Lisa Martin

June 27, 2002 :
Speak your mind even when your voice trembles.
- Seen when driving

June 25, 2002 :
Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "Sorry I missed you."
- That 70's Show

June 23, 2002 :
If your fecal sense starts tingling, it's me.
- Sam Haber

June 22, 2002 :
It is only when we give up everything that we are free to do anything.
- Fight Club

June 21, 2002 :
It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best.
- Black Adder III

June 20, 2002 :
What you read is not what I wrote. I provide the text, you provide the meaning.
- Ravenbard